Perpetual Self-Doubt – adamtcroft.com

For as long as I can remember – I’ve existed in a mental state of perpetual self-doubt.

I live in a very weird dichotomy wherein when anyone tells me “You can’t” – it’s a rallying cry for me to prove them wrong.

But, “I can’t” is poisonous to the point of being self-destructive.

My assumption is that many of you reading this share that, in some form, with me.

And that’s what this piece is about.

I’m a giant failure

I don’t have a demo reel.

My raw, unedited resume is seven pages long and still growing.

I’m not a “master” at any audio discipline.

I don’t believe I could pass an interview for a software development job at a major company.

For numerous years, I lived on less than minimum wage – partially because I didn’t know any better.

I once paid my rent with my tax return.

I moved to Seattle because I was making bad life choices – not because I wanted to pursue a stable career.

I was the biggest loser in school growing up – the losers made fun of me.

I nearly dropped out of college, and graduated with a nearly worthless degree.

I spent too much money on a pipe dream to “make it” in Los Angeles that blew up in my face.

I lost my father in my early teens to cancer.

I nearly lost friends and family to substance abuse – there are many I don’t associate with now due to that.

I’ve always felt like I’m alone, struggling, and unable to achieve the “next rung” or “the dream” no matter how well I do.

I don’t need pity here. I want to make the case to you that I’m not special and you’re not alone in your struggles.

Here’s the truth

I’ve done plenty of dumb things. I’ve had some really bad fortune occasionally.

Despite that, I’ve been fortunate and blessed to have (when I look back on it) a pretty incredible career with lots of amazing experiences.

But before that, and even now – probably just like you – I feel incapable.

For me, internally, the disasters above mark who I am. It’s really difficult for me to get away from the idea that I’m disappointing to my family, I’m a huge loser nerd, and I’ll never amount to anything.

And, at the same time –

I’ve worked on multiple huge AAA game franchises
My current project is going to reach literal millions of players
Buildings with major companies like Nike and Amazon have things I built in them
I’ve worked with major bands and actors
I’ve worked all over the US and in multiple countries and continents

…that’s difficult to make sense of, right?

When you haven’t done anything it’s easy to believe that the doubt will go away once you have – no?

In my experience, it doesn’t work like that.

Good news

Now that I’ve brought you down and depressed you, I’ll do my best to bring you back up.

Because what you just heard is actually really good news.

Again, that’s –

In some ways I am a big loser nerd failure who makes bad decisions.
None of the work that I do ever gives me a permanent, lasting sense of self-fulfillment.

But when you turn those truths on their head, this is what it really means

I don’t have to be perfect, and I couldn’t be if I tried.
My value as a person, as a human, has nothing to do with my work – much less how good it is.

And these truths are even more meaningful to you.

Because you don’t have to be perfect – nothing you do does. It should probably be good though.

Even if it isn’t good, or perfect, you get the permanent opportunity to learn – and none of the work that you do has any bearing on your value as a person. If someone doesn’t like your work, that’s their problem, not yours.

And, if a complete dope who makes bad decisions can have a pretty good career – you can probably do it better than I have.

And I mean that, very sincerely.

Some of you reading this are struggling today – for whatever reason.

You’re down on yourself. You’re beating yourself up mentally. You feel like you’ll never amount to anything.

You say to yourself that you might as well give up. You may as well quit. Your work is crap, you’re worthless, and who were you trying to kid when you thought you could “make it”.

I’ve been there. I can only write those words because I’ve said them all to myself. I’m not reading your mind, I’m not special – I just have a poor track record of caring for myself and I feel like it’s advantageous for me to share that with you.

Because if I’ve felt that way, and you think I’m remotely successful – hopefully you’ll be less hard on yourself.

And, I hope you’ll listen to me.

I hope you’ll read this, pick your work back up, and keep pushing.

Today, if nobody else believes in you – I do. I have no promise that you can “make it” or that you’ll accomplish all your dreams. But if you stick with it, the odds drastically increase that you’ll at least do some very cool things.

For example – I wanted to record music in a studio for a living. That didn’t happen, but some other amazing things did.

If I were to have quit though, I would’ve self-guaranteed none of that to happen.

And, I have a personal belief that all of us were made to do much greater things than we realize or could believe even if we knew the truth of the matter.

So get back to it – today, not tomorrow.

You’re doing great, you can do this, and I believe in you.