Last week I posted about money. A bunch of you responded, wanting to know what books and resources I believe in.
A number of you were super nice, complimentary, and awesome. I got some unbelievable responses that showed those who read and follow what I put out are incredibly invested.
I can’t tell you how humbling that is, thank you.
Some of you just wanted me to email you some links – that’s fine too.
But quite a few of you made a simple mistake. It’s easily missed, and a symptom of a much larger issue.
I know, because I used to do this – all the time.
A Small Preamble
I’m going to share an email – word for word – because it’s literally a perfect example. The person who sent this, if they read, is liable to feel ashamed.
But they shouldn’t be. Frankly – you shouldn’t be if I ever use something you send to me as an example.
Though few of you who consistently follow what I do have very much contact between each other – you’re here much for the same reason that I am – to get better.
So if I privately “call you out” – so to speak – know this…
You’re teaching everyone else. We learn best by mistakes. We all screw up.
Most of all – I learned first. I see what you do, it reminds me of myself, and I go “man, that’s a hell of a good lesson”
I’m not here to be perfect. I’m not here to be a fantastic “life example” for you. I like being real with you. I like speaking honestly. I also like not beating around the bush.
Those of you who are in – awesome, thank you.
Those of you who would prefer to hide under a rock away from failure, shame, and reality – go have fun.
The Example
“Dear Adam,
I am interested in reading some financial resource recommendations. Possibly throw some title names my way?
Thanks for your time,
The person who sent this”
That was the email.
There’s a hell of a lot that’s right about this email. In a lot of ways, the sender should be proud.
It’s succinct.
They’re clear about what they want.
No unnecessary back story.
No asking me to solve their life’s problems.
Awesome.
So where does this fail?
Because the vast majority of you won’t see it.
A chunk of that vast majority is going to think I’m completely irrational and overreacting. But, I’m not – I know this from literal life experience.
It’s really simple – using the word possibly.
“Possibly throw some title names my way?”
Why this Remotely Matters
Words and language matter much more than you probably think that they do.
Not in a “I’m trying to prove you wrong because you’re using a word incorrectly and I have to win this argument to soothe my pitiful soul” way.
Not in an “Akash Thakkar is wrong because funnily is not a word” way, either. (I don’t care that it’s in some dictionary because people don’t use words good – “bootylicious” is in the dictionary – fuck that, quite frankly)
I mean that language matters in the way that you use it.
Do you regularly, casually, flippantly cut yourself down in conversations?
“I’m not really a great composer, but… would you listen to this?”
“I’m such a noob”
“Ugh, I’m such trash – I feel like all my work is bad”
I’ve used this before:
“I just don’t feel like a good husband”
Each time you do this – you’re very subtly training yourself to believe whatever it is you’re saying is truth.
You’re not really a great composer, and you won’t be, ever.
You are the most noob of noobs.
Your work is mostly bad.
You’re not a good husband until you feel like you are.
It’s really not that silly, when you think about it.
This is why the single word possibly matters so much. In the context of the email alone, it’s not a huge deal. It’s just a little passivity, whatever.
But if you’re doing this in a freaking two sentence email asking about book names – you’re 100% passive in other places that really matter.
Again, I know this, because I was too.
I doubled my pay when I quit being passive and asked for what I wanted.
I improved my marriage when I quit being passive and took responsibility.
And I want you to have whatever you want most too.
Friends – it’s really simple.
Ask for what you want.
Don’t apologize for your wants or needs. Very few of you are going to be a-holes and ask for things as if you’re entitled. If you’re passive, you hardly even know how to be entitled.
Only making enough money to cover half of your rent?
Email your clients and say “Hi, thank you for being a great partner with me. Next month my standard rates will be increasing from $15/hr to $35/hr. I understand this is unforseen and affects your budgeting – as you’re a valued client I want to know honestly if this is a significant issue for you. Please let me know if it is, I would love to work with you and find a resolution that works for both of us.”
Contrast that with “Hi, you’re great and I really love working with you. But, I’m having a really hard time being able to live with our $15/hr agreed rate. I know you probably don’t have it in your budget, but I was wondering, could we increase my pay to $17/hr. I know that might be hard, but it would really help me. But, if you don’t have the money I understand and it’s okay.”
Do you want to meet with someone significant for some life advice?
What about “Hi – would you be willing to grab coffee with me for ~20 minutes on either Thursday the 16th or Friday the 17th? After 3 works best for me. If you’re up to it, let me know what local coffee shop you prefer – I’m happy to come to you.”
Instead of “So… I was wondering… would you mind grabbing coffee sometime? I don’t want to be a burden on you, but I really appreciate everything you write and I’ve got some questions and could really use some specific advice about getting a job. We can go wherever you want, whenever you want. I’m happy to pay, don’t worry.”
Or just… want some book recommendations?
I hope you get my point. I also hope that you understand, those examples are exaggerated, but also 100% real.
People 100% avoided me because I wasn’t just clear about what I wanted and confident enough to ask. I wasn’t helping myself, so they wouldn’t help me either.
Don’t be afraid.
Every person, no matter how much you’re intimidated, is just a human.
Every person’s got problems.
And you get what you want when you know what you want, and you start unapologetically asking for, and pursuing it.
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