Do me a quick favor.
Think for a minute about a time in your past where you were really proud of an accomplishment, but you look back on it now and think “It’s funny because I was actually really awful.”
Fun fact – when I was growing up I played in youth golf tournaments. I won a handful of them too!
Except, I was probably a laughable child golfer and was competing against 2-4 other people. Not exactly a tremendous accomplishment.
I also haven’t played a round of golf in about 20 years now.
Alternatively – I remember myself being a hell of a saxophone player as a kid, too. I was good enough that I got singled out and moved from alto to tenor sax and held that down by myself!
Except I vividly remember a time where I was called upon to solo – and I slammed a bunch of keys and tooted random notes – so, I was not exactly God’s gift to saxophoning.
Okay, have you got your memory yet? I’m going to assume so.
Next – I want you to think of something you failed at yesterday. Big or small, it could be anything.
Maybe you couldn’t get the right sound you wanted. Maybe you said the wrong thing in a conversation. Maybe you had work on your mind all weekend because you were dreading something about last week.
Got that yet? Good.
It’s a Matter of Perspective
Go back to that old memory for a minute. Let’s look at my memory of being a tenor saxophone savant.
I have two conflicting thoughts here – one where I had a lot of fun and thought I was great, one where I clearly blew it. Which is true?
Some of you are inclined to look back and think “God I was so awful…” and get embarrassed by it. I mean… I don’t know about you… but essentially solo’ing out-of-key fart noises with my tenor sax is not exactly a flattering story.
Especially when I was proud of it for a second at the time.
But, it’s also true that I was moved to tenor by myself and was given compliments on my work and my work ethic.
So, the true likelihood of the matter is this:
For my experience level – I was actually a pretty good little saxophone player. Was I the next John Coltrane or Kenny G? Not then, no. But I had enough talent to be proud of where I was.
And yes, my skill level at the time included sax fart solos. It is what it is.
Shifting Perspective
So what does that have to do with anything?
Well, I’d imagine you might still be pretty upset with yourself over whatever you thought up when I asked you to come up with a way you failed yesterday.
Maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re over it – but I have a sneaking suspicion that you sometimes hold onto your failures and have a difficult time letting them go.
You may have heard me say things like “The best way to learn is by failing” or “You have to give yourself room for failure” – let me give you another perspective on this.
Your failure yesterday is my sax fart noises from 20-odd years ago. That failure doesn’t indicate that you are a failure – after all, I wasn’t a completely failed child saxophonist. It just means you’ve got room to grow.
Now, I’m awful at this… 100% still learning… but I’m going to give you a suggestion and technique to help you.
My proclivity is to hold onto yesterday’s failures and ground myself into an emotional pulp if I can. It’s very obviously an unhealthy adopted habit.
Instead, the best thing you can do is notice your failure, let it go, and start again.
If any of you have picked up meditation, you’ll notice this is a meditation technique. In meditation you focus on a single thing, get involuntarily distracted, and restart your focus when you notice you’ve become distracted. It’s literally a focus building technique.
The same thing applies to your entire life.
So, young Adam didn’t know how to solo – it’s something to recognize today, literally take a mental or physical note of, and then try again tomorrow.
(That last part is where I failed as a youth. I never tried again.)
Today, I recognize that there are decisions I should’ve made yesterday. I’m not always a great decision maker, and I should ask myself why. If I can identify the problem, I can take note of it. If I can’t identify it, I can take note of that too!
And then, I take what I’ve made note of to improve on my decision making today.
It doesn’t mean that I’m horrible at decisions, or even big decisions! I’ve made a lot of large decisions in my life, after all. I just struggled with one yesterday – and that’s okay.
Be Kind to Yourself
Here’s what I want you to remember today:
- Whatever you remember poorly about yourself from long ago – I can almost guarantee you were giving the best performance you could at the time. Give yourself grace.
- Whatever you failed at yesterday – you were likely giving your best performance then too (even if that’s panic and failure). Be gentle to yourself.
- Note what happened and why, the best you can.
- Start again.
I hope you enjoy a little weight lifted off of your shoulders.
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