Let me start today with a quote:
“As finite players we will not enter the game with sufficient desire to win unless we are ourselves convinced by the very audience we intend to convince.
That is, unless we believe we actually are the losers the audience sees us to be, we will not have the necessary desire to win. The more negatively we assess ourselves, the more we strive to reverse the negative judgment of others.
The outcome brings the contradiction to perfection: by proving to the audience they were wrong, we prove to ourselves the audience was right.
The more we are recognized as winners, the more we know ourselves to be losers.”
This excerpt is from a book called “Finite and Infinite Games” by James Carse, and it rings true in ways that historically I’d rather not admit.
If the quote is hard to grasp – think about it this way:
Growing up as an outcast – a geek, nerd, or other individual lower on the social ladder in school – the consistent message you’re told is that you can’t. It doesn’t matter what it is that you can’t, just that you can’t.
You can’t be good at sports, at being social, at making friends, at finding a relationship, at games, at programming, at music, at arts, at dance, at science – you name it.
Some of us – me – in effort to prove to the world that it is incorrect, work hard. I often pride myself on working harder than everyone else in the room.
Not longer, harder. More focused, more intense, better planned and executed. This, for me, started in an effort to prove the world wrong.
For some – like notable famous singer Henry Rollins – this turns into a literal lifestyle. Rollins is noteworthy for being such a weird guy that he has few to no friends, thrives on being antisocial, and says that he makes up his own opposition in his head today that tells him “you can’t do this” – just like his classmates and teachers did in school.
According to him, that’s the only way he can actually light a fire in himself to get work done.
Carse says – and I believe he has a point – that it’s probable that Henry Rollins believes he’s a “loser” deep down inside. Every day, he has to get up and prove to the world – to himself – that he isn’t what he has probably internalized.
This, of course, is an inherent showcase of Carse’s point about the contradiction: the more Rollins wins, the more success he attains (however he defines that), the more he proves his opponent’s points. If they were truly wrong, he wouldn’t need to prove anything.
It’s a hard pill to swallow – but for those of us that thrive on proving others wrong – its definitely worth considering how your hamster wheel of motivation actually works.
Mastery
I find that this same principle is true when it comes to subject matter mastery.
Most people who want to work in game audio assume that they must be masters of audio and sound design. While on the surface, that’s correct, it’s also horribly incorrect.
Most of the sound designers I know – if they didn’t come from a background of audio production or studio recording – have very little understanding of signal flow and gain staging, for example. To me, those are foundational subjects of any audio work.
Do you need them to design a gunshot or a wizard’s spell? Not alone, no.
But still, the emphasis in learning is 100% placed on technical skill – meaning competency of creative sound design and working in tools.
What a newcomer assumes is that there comes a point where they’ve learned enough sound design where they “feel competent”. They think that they’ll arrive at a place where they know their work is good and they won’t feel so much fear about sharing their work because they have achieved competency.
In actuality, it’s very rare that I’ve ever seen this happen – which is also the point that Carse makes with this quote.
If you commit to becoming an excellent sound designer, at some point you will be recognized as such. Even if you don’t do it out of motivations to prove the world that you can do it – you’ll still likely wind up in a similar place.
It’s entirely possible that people will be awestruck by your work and look up to you. If and when they do – you’re likely to feel like a complete fraud.
Why?
Because when you attain a decent level of understanding about the topic you’re interested in – you only find more things to learn and explore.
Yes, it’s entirely possible that you’ll get to the point where you’ve learned “enough” – where you feel like the challenge upon you is sufficient and you’ve gone as far as you desire to go.
But that doesn’t mean the avenues of learning go away. They’ll be there, and knowing you haven’t mastered them yet, on some level you’ll feel incompetent.
Yet, people will look up to you anyway.
It’s a weird form of impostor syndrome.
Acting
I think I’ll forever be thankful that I studied theatrical arts in college.
At the time, it felt like a degree I was getting mostly to get a degree – I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I regularly laugh to myself that I ended up punching way above my weight class for a kid who studied theatre in south west Virginia.
One of the most important things I learned in theatre is this: you’re always acting.
Shakespeare, of course, put it – “All the world’s a stage”
I don’t really equate this to “fake it ’til you make it”. That implies, again, that there’s an attainable level of mastery at which you won’t be faking it anymore.
According to Shakespeare, that doesn’t exist. If all the world’s a stage, then all the world’s a stage. Your best performance is acting, even at its most skilled. At some level, you’ll always be faking it.
And this is how I personally get around Carse’s quote and its connection to impostor syndrome.
In my opinion – in the world in which we are all acting – it’s impossible to be an impostor. If we’re all impostors, nobody is an impostor.
You might say
“Adam, that’s ridiculous and silly. How can you say that I’m not an impostor when all my idols know so much more than me?!”
I can say that because your idols are impostors to their idols. If nobody feels “good enough” – then feeling “good enough” has nothing to do with anything. It doesn’t dictate your actual competency, or how qualified you are for a job.
So, when you get to working today – remember this:
There’s always room to grow and learn, there always will be, and you’ll never exhaust it. You’ll also undoubtedly never feel competent enough – but that’s fine, because everyone’s putting on a show just like you.
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