“We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed”
That’s the phrase I heard in my youth whenever I got a bad grade, made a mistake, or did something I shouldn’t have done.
While my family meant well, that phrase turned “disappointed” into my least favorite word in any language. I’m sure you’ve got a similar story from your well-meaning parents or guardians that (hopefully) inadvertently affected your self-worth and confidence.
For years, I didn’t even realize I’d developed a strategy to combat my inability to deal with the disappointment of others. You’d know it – it’s called “people pleasing”.
But, I’m happy to say that I’m a “recovering” people pleaser now. Instead of riding the emotional wave between not feeling good enough and begging for compliments, I’ve found a way to be less affected if others are “disappointed” in me. Let’s look at the very simple, wonderful technique of being proud of yourself.
People pleasers can’t upset anyone.
Incapable of coming to terms with upsetting, angering, disappointing, or even disagreeing with someone – the people pleaser plays an unsustainable game. With every interaction, the people pleaser has to be sure that you’re at least “okay” and that you think the people pleaser is a great person as well.
If you’re not okay or you’re upset with the people pleaser, they must immediately fix it as quickly as possible. If they can’t, the people pleaser will emotionally collapse. They will blame themselves, be angry, frustrated, depressed, and anxious. Sometimes, in a continued effort to try and change the situation, they will continue to victimize themselves until you come around and feel bad for them.
Again, the rule with the people pleaser is that your relationship must be good, and they must be well-liked by you.
So what does this look like in real life?
Imagine being someone’s friend and texting them something that inadvertently really upset them. You panic. You apologize and bend over backwards to do anything to “fix it” immediately – even blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. You fearfully check your texts every few minutes to see if they’ve responded. You’re anxious. Your night might be ruined.
Imagine you’re dating someone and you absent-mindedly forget something very important. Instead of confessing it, you hide it because you don’t want to be “found out”. You convince yourself it isn’t a big deal, but your lie is discovered. You panic. Again, you blame yourself for things beyond what you’ve done in effort to “make it better”. You’re anxious and your stomach is in knots. You need the conflict to be resolved and you’re sick until it is. You start imagining all the negative ways this can go – every one of them ending with a breakup.
Imagine sending work off to a client or negotiating. You’re panicked and fearful to send the work off for fear of what they might say. You’re tempted to write an email offering a discount on your services because you’re not confident in yourself. After you send it, you’re anxious because you feel like they could think it’s absolutely awful. Every mental scenario you come up with tells you that “you can’t do this” and you imagine you’ll end up homeless.
That’s the extreme, and it’s important to deal with.
Most of you will identify with at least some of those feelings. Whether it’s anxiety, fear, depression, or other negative thoughts and emotions – all of it is directly connected with your self-worth. In overcoming this, I’ve found that you have two options that you can pursue simultaneously.
First, reach out to medical professionals. There are numerous treatment options that start as simple as therapy sessions and go all the way to regular medication. Thankfully I didn’t go through medical school, so I’m not qualified nor am I giving you actual advice on how to get treated. Instead, reach out to someone smarter than me and start slow based on their recommendations.
In addition to that, your next step is self-care. It starts very simple by acknowledging that you feel whichever of those emotions you feel. In my case, I had to acknowledge that I carry anxiety, fear, and plenty of self-loathing that can lead to deep depression. None of that means I’m a horrible human, it just means that I’ve encountered it.
The next step is really easy to describe, but harder to actually do.
It requires you to be proud of yourself.
You may feel like you’ve been proud of yourself before, but chances are you’ve actually just been bragging or seeking recognition.
Think of a time when you did something cool – what’s the first thing you did? Likely, you rushed off to tell somebody about it. Even thinking back to childhood, I can’t recall a time where I didn’t have to show someone the thing I was proud of. With it, I always wanted them to tell me “good job”.
I don’t know how I was trained to do this, but until months ago I’d never stopped. I’d text friends, share with colleagues, my wife, whomever would give me an ear. But surprisingly, it was this simple act that deeply deprived me of something much better.
Acknowledge your intrinsic value.
When I was a kid and turned to show off my success to my parents, I was asking them to acknowledge me. I wanted them to say “good job” because I was trained that if they didn’t, the accomplishment had no real value.
Extrapolating further, I felt that if my accomplishment had no value, I also had no value.
It wasn’t always as ugly or awkward as I’m describing – but I used to seek external approval often enough that it was a real emotional problem for me.
The only way around this, that I’ve found, is to be proud of yourself.
For me, that meant not opening my mouth, to start. It also meant smiling, being happy, and acknowledging to myself that I truly did something cool. I could give myself a pat on the back, a mental high five, double fist pump, whatever. But the initial rule was keep it to myself for as long as I could and I had to feel really good about it.
Of course, inevitably I’d share my success, but now I’d be doing it without needing to receive something in return.
Unexpectedly, this act of allowing myself to enjoy my successes alone first forced me to confront a lot of negative self-belief. If I succeeded, then it must mean:
- I do have the abilities required to do great things
- It’s wrong that I’m a complete and total failure when I feel that way
- My abilities are a reflection of training, and the positive attributes I’m made of
- I can certainly find examples of more great things I’ve done
- Every example is further showcase of the positive attributes I’ve been graced with
While we’d all agree that we have the natural ability to suck, make poor decisions, and do crappy things – enjoying my success meant confronting that I’m fortunate to actually possess positive qualities and act on them as well.
As silly as that sounds when you read it – when you’re in the throes of anxiety and depression, it’s impossible to acknowledge even the slightest positive thing about yourself.
Most importantly, when you’re running around seeking for others to validate you, you never taking the chance to validate what makes you, you.
“So wait Adam” you say, “am I really not allowed to be excited and share that with others?”
Yes, you are. In fact, sharing with others is precisely what makes life so special and wonderful. One of my favorite quotes comes from Plato: “Man was not made for himself alone.” You can find that very theme deeply embedded in books on human psychology and theological texts. You actually need to look no further than 2020’s pandemic to see physical evidence of it!
All that I’m advocating here is self-reflection. I found myself in a rut where I was looking to others to define my value as a human. I’d also looked to work, and my successes. Others could look at their relationships, children, and any number of external, temporal sources for their self-worth.
For me, it took valuing things I’d done for myself to also value what I’m made of for myself. Understanding your foundation more clearly allows you to be less shaken by your every day thoughts and feelings. That, in turn, allows you to contribute more because – as Plato put it – we’re not made for ourselves alone.
So, next time you achieve greatness.
Before you share it with others, take a minute to bask in it yourself. How you go about this is entirely up to you. I’ve found that I just love to smile and think of how awesome it is I got to do something cool. No matter what, deeply enjoy it for yourself.
While you’re at it…
Here’s a few mental health-related texts I’ve gotten a lot out of that you might enjoy:
“Addicted to the Monkey Mind” by J.F. Benoist
“The Upside of Stress” by Dr. Kelly McGonigal
“Before Happniess” by Shawn Achor
“Men, Women, and Worthiness” by Brene Brown
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